Trigger Warning: This blog post contains discussions of mental health disorders that some may find triggering. Viewer discretion advised.
This is a hard post for me to type, but I feel like I need this. This is an open honest discussion about my weight loss journey and where I stand on this journey.
I do not plan on having any structure to this post. I am just going to type as my feelings come and let them flow onto the page. So here is hoping this post makes sense and you can follow along if you choose.
I have always struggled with my mental health for as long as I can remember. My struggles started out when I was a teenager. I have always struggled with depression, anxiety and body image issues. I spent years in and out of therapy and even a longer time on medications. I struggled the hardest when I was a teenager and into my early twenties. As a grown woman in my mid-thirties I still struggle but not nearly as much as I used to when I was younger. I think over time I have learned to manage and use coping mechanisms plus I also have gotten to a point where I am happy. I have learned that I create my own happiness and I chose my own path. That is not to say I still do not struggle because I do but I love my life and the life I have created. So what the hell does this have to do with my weight loss.
I have always struggled with loving and accepting my body. This has been one area of the many that I struggle with when it comes to my mental health. When I was in my late teens/early twenties I struggled with disordered eating. I was never officially diagnosed and I will not go into details of what I did because I do not want to encourage this type of behavior. But I struggled and it was hard. I was never happy with how I looked even though the root cause was much deeper than outward appearances. I always wanted to be a certain way. I have not participated in those types of habits in well over 15 years. But the struggle with my appearance has always been there. The desire to look a certain way has never changed even though my habits have. I put on a good amount of weight when I met my husband ( I was happy what can I say!) and I always struggled to get it off. So I finally decided enough was enough and with the support of my husband I was able to lose a good amount of weight in a healthy way. My mindset and my diet has changed a lot over the years and I eat so much healthier now than I ever have. But there is still that lingering voice in my head that I am not good enough, that I am still not thin enough. Well, I am tired of that voice and the bitch needs to go! Last week my husband commented about me deciding what I am doing with going on and off of tracking and told me I really need go think about my goals. He told me something I already know…that I will never be happy no matter what that scale says. Its true and this is not the first time he has said this to me. But something about him saying it hit me different this time. I swear that one yoga class did something to me! Changed my vibrations.
So this past week I did not track a darn thing. Instead I took this week to reflect and realign with my deeper self. I recently wrote a blog post about how to hit the reset button and I followed my own steps. I did some reflection and decided how I want to move forward and how I want to now view my body. I decided that I am done counting, obsessing and hating my body. My body is beautiful and has given me thirty six beautiful years on this planet. From this point forward I will honor my body in whatever place it is. I will nourish my body with whatever she needs at the moment and I will love every roll and fold. I will take care of my body with proper nourishment and movement but I am done with the hate, the judgement and the pressure to be something I am not. I do enjoy eating healthy and trying new recipes so I will continue to share those, but I am no longer going to put pressure on myself to hit a number.
Whew so I did that. That was a little deep but I hope you are able to take something away from this post for yourself.